I see them everywhere. From packages on children’s toys to cigarettes, the covering of ones ass(ets) has become an expected part of the new Americana. Yes, the warning label has woven itself from the corporate cotton gin to the tattered illogical masses. I don’t suggest these sirens of public safety aren’t valid in their message, in fact I thank God that McDonald’s took the time to let me know that their cup of hot coffee was in fact, hot. I just wish Ronald could have warned me his new latte tasted just south of sweaty sock. Hot I expected; rank, mildew infested foot flavoring I did not. At the center therein lies the primary negligence of warning labels themselves. Please, I beg of you, do not warn me of the known, and logical; when I yearn for the unrealized and unknown. Here is what I would like to see.
Current warning label on most beer bottles: “…..Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.”
What warning labels on beer bottles should read: “Consumption of alcoholic beverages could lead to sprained/torn ACL, MCL, or both if dancing on barstool, top of bar, or if you’re Caucasian. This product does not contain chemicals halting babymakers from swimming upstream. Consumption of this product will make hot women hotter, average women hot, and ugly women doable. Handle with care.”
Current warning on a long handled lighter: “Do not use near fire, flames or sparks.”
What it should read: “Warning: This product just cost you $4 and may or may not work, especially in producing fire.”
Current warning in owners manual for jet ski: “Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft."
What it should read: “Congratulations: Riders of personal watercraft get free enema with every purchase.”
Current warning on virtually all male enhancement pills: “In the rare event that an erection lasts longer than 4 hours, call a doctor.”
What it should read: “In the rare event that an erection lasts longer than 4 hours, call everyone you know, especially your ex turned lesbian.”
No, I don’t dare dream that the warning label syndicate will vanish any time soon. The industry of warning people will only grow stronger with every frivolous lawsuit booked into our court system.
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